Tag: relationships

How (not) to date…

I’ve almost always been in a relationship. Quite a habit for me to maintain, but roughly since being 16, I’ve only had 3 extended single periods, and even then, these periods usually contain mini engagements that mimic one.

The ending of each relationship and situationship brought me what my logical-ish brain craves: a shit tonne of data that I could then use (or try to use) to develop a profile of roughly who I’m looking for to make future filtering more accurate. For example, I was once adamant about a specific type of girl being optimal for me based on one of these engagements, and I wrote a profile of exactly what my future partner would be like. When I later met a girl who matched word for word the characteristics I’d written down, I was firstly shocked that I’d manifested someone into existence, and secondly I was absolutely infatuated, until I realised that we were so dramatically incompatible that I had to question if I even knew who I was and what the hell I actually wanted. A slow walk back to the drawing board ensued.

I since realised, annoyingly, that I can’t compare someone against a list of characteristics I one-day-decided to see if I should pursue them. Instead, I ought to do the following: observe them more openly (not my best skill), to see how I feel about them, if I find them interesting and attractive, and then notice how aligned we are in values in real life, not the bullshit “what are your values?” thought exercises. And if, only IF, all lights are green, can I start to consider any pursuit.

I’m pretty sure the above is the right way for me moving forward, BUT I’ve been thinking about how people I know view relationships to see if there’s any lessons to be learned:

One friend of mine was certain she’d never been in love despite multiple year-long relationships. Those seem to be entered primarily based on physical attraction and dating people because they match certain characteristics, which may be the flaw I had. Notably, her only exception to the “not being in love” thing came with a partner who was dramatically different to the previous ones and was not aligned with the usual list of attributes. Another point against filtering by characteristics.

A different friend blows with the wind and, gratefully on his part, the wind generally takes him towards fleeting but delightfully intense situationships. As I understand it, these connections are based far more on excitement than anything else. These ones seem delightful, but I’ve had a few and personally consider them to require too much of my energy. I guess that’s what keeps them short term, as I can only offer my attention intensely for a little while until I want to get back to focusing on me, but it works for him, ish.

One more sticks to a tried and tested method of “friends first, relationship second” which, in all honesty, may be optimal. If you’ve ever watched happily married people being asked why the relationship worked, they’ll generally say that it’s because they’re friends. I would say I’ve had this, but I think it’d be more accurate to say I’ve had it backwards at least twice: relationship first and friends second.

I do love the idea of it, not least because it literally means I can spend my time doing exactly what I want and being me, and making a friend during that process. Then, if the interactions with that friend spiral into a relationship, it wasn’t through feigning interest in someone hot or through filtering all of Bangkok by bullshit lists of attributes, no, it was through me being me totally and completely, and us having a mutual interest in each other as people.

It’s fun to understand how other people view relationships. Gives me some ideas of how I ought to be doing it. And as far as I can see, the best bet is to be open and to be me – no over-filtering from the offset, no lists, and no relationships without valuing the other person as a friend. A pretty boring answer, but as it usually is with these things, it’s probably for the best.

Anyway, as usual, I’m still figuring myself out and discovering what I want and what I like, the perpetual plight of being human, and so, with zero pressure on myself, I’m gonna keep doing me, and if one day I bump into the right girl… I’ll compare her with an arbitrary list! Kidding(?) 🙂

Quotes I’m vibing with rn:

The journey is the destination   – Matthew McConaughey (paraphrasing Emerson)

I’ve been dating for 20 years, that’s a lot of pretending to be fascinated – Jerry Seinfeld

Like any journey, if you stay the course long enough the road might just show you what you need. All you gotta do is keep your eyes on the road and your foot on the fucking gas – Kenny Powers

Favourite song for now:

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Worth It

Opening up to people is hard.
Being honest with your emotions is hard.
Telling someone how you feel feels like one of the hardest things you can do, when in reality it’s a small discomfort and your life would probably be greatly improved if you were willing to overcome this hurdle and be more honest with people about your emotions. Would you really want to live life knowing you were afraid of being honest to yourself?

You need honesty and openness to develop real connection with people.
They have to see you for who you are and you have to see them for who they are. Otherwise it’s just acting.

And yet so many people are so deeply, deeply uncomfortable and afraid of this.

The fear stems from vulnerability; to be intimate and real with someone you need to expose your soft belly and hope they don’t tear into it. But sometimes, they do. And the real difficulty is that if you are vulnerable with someone — if you reveal yourself to them — and then they decide you’re not right for them, there’s an immense feeling of rejection because they’ve seen who you are and don’t want you because of it.

Rationally, you could say that people disliking who you are isn’t a bad thing — it means that those people are not for you, and any further interaction wouldn’t be beneficial in the long run. It allows you to save a little time — now you can move on and keep up the search for someone where interest is mutual.

But still, occasionally you like a person for who they are, and you spend time opening up and being vulnerable and intimate — and they decide that who you are is not right for them.

I guess this is why so many people have a hard time opening up and being expressive with how they feel — they might be rejected for being themselves. Then they think that being vulnerable in any way is risky, and so they adopt a hard shell. And while the hard shell protects you from threats, the real risk is that it stops you from being seen at all.

There’s this clip of Jim Rohn where he says:
“If you think trying is risky, wait until they hand you the bill for not trying.”
Being vulnerable is risky, but it’s worth the risk — because what’s the alternative?
An isolated life where you were never courageous enough to show yourself to someone else? A life where you were never really honest with how you feel about someone? What a tragedy!

Though there are times when being guarded can be helpful; you can often feel it in yourself when you know that you ought to be a little coy and not reveal your cards. But this useful instinct can go into overdrive, especially if ignoring it in the past has led to a negative situation. The ability to discern when to be vulnerable and when not to becomes ever more difficult.

You can end up viewing every situation from a guarded perspective, under the impression that you can’t be open or honest with how you feel at all — just in case it backfires and you get rejected for being you.

Sometimes when this fear takes hold, people feel the risk isn’t worth it at all, and that they can instead find contentment in solitude, which they assume puts them beyond the need to be open with other people.

This individualistic attitude, despite its affirmation that it isn’t lonely, is lonely.
Really fucking lonely.
You can be content alone for a short period, sure. But not for your whole life.

I was watching a movie about Chris McCandless recently (Into The Wild), where a young guy decides he wants to live alone in the wilderness. He takes his trip up to Alaska woefully underprepared and somehow manages to stick it out for a while… But in his solitary journey, he eventually starts to realise something — life is better when shared or, in his words, scrawled across his school bus tomb (spoiler, sorry):
“Happiness is only real when shared.”

And if you really want to be happy, if you really want to fully experience this life and connect with people, then you need to be willing to open up and be vulnerable. You need to take the risk.

And the truth, that I’m gradually learning, is this:
It’s worth it.

Quotes I’m vibing with rn:

“What are the birds saying now?” I asked. “That it’s a nice day.” – The Tao of Pooh

Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as though you chose it, then act – Marcus Aurelius

Stop playing it cool, just be passionate and intense and whoever sticks around is meant for you – Random Tweet

Favourite song for now: