We seem to set arbitrary limits for ourselves, for example “I can do 80 push ups at once, 30 pull ups, run 2 miles flat out” but the reality is that I can probably do far more of each I just haven’t been in a situation or mindset to push myself to that level. I often wonder why we set the limits and whether we can defy them.

It’s curious that the limit and pressure to stop comes from inside.

When you’re out running alone, it’s not another person saying “we’ll stop when we get to that bench” or “we’ll slow down until the next corner”; it’s you. It’s some internal “you” that seems to be able to convince the you that wanted to run, that it’s time to sit down and stop. How very strange. I guess when people talk of willpower, this is what they mean. It’s not some external power you’re exerting, it’s like an internal battle between the you that wants to get shit done, and the you that wants to stay in bed.

The good thing here is that by recognising this, you can see that you have a choice of which voice to listen to and my choice would be the voice that inspires action.

“Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action” – Disraeli

That being said, I stayed in bed until 10am today…

I’ve also thought that when religious people talk of a “devil on your shoulder” that perhaps this “other you” is what they’re referring to though that’s a topic for another day.

Strong opinions weakly held.

I do this thing sometimes where I just say things and have strong convictions about them on the face of it but then actually don’t agree with the opinion or think about it with any depth before saying. Auto generating speech almost with words coming from the tongue not the brain or perhaps from the brain not the heart.

Figuring out why has proven a little tricky.

On the face of it, you could argue that people “just say things” to fill voids in conversations as silences can often be unbearable but there has to be some reason a little below the surface that prompts these pointless words.

Initially I thought it may be a vanity thing, like saying something with conviction to sound knowledgeable but in the search of the cause, I started to realise that I don’t actually need to have an opinion on everything.

This is difficult to internalise but truthfully there’s no reason to carry such black/white opinions on most things, most things just aren’t relevant to you. In fact, it’s often far more useful having no opinion as it allows you to listen to both sides of the argument without feeling strongly either way, and then if you decide to form an opinion at least you took the time to understand the opposing viewpoint, but again you don’t need to have an opinion. You can just be an observer without adding your two cents or backing up some loose viewpoint you’ve aligned yourself with, just watch and listen, let the argument wash over you without allying yourself either way.

Somewhere along the way, I forgot I could enjoy life.

It’s like I’d treat everything with undue cynicism; viewing each moment with either passive apathy or active disdain. I’ve been stuck in that headspace for a long time. I think trying to pinpoint it’s origin may be helpful but I’m yet to determine a root cause and anytime I’ve come close I tend to find people or places to distract me.

Recently though, I’ve been angry at this way of viewing the world. How fucking boring it is, to live a life without feeling anything positive towards the things you do or who you are or the people around you. The anger isn’t a positive here but, fuck me, it did stimulate a desire to change, and guess what? It turns out, unbeknownst to me, that you can just wake up one day and decide to be someone completely new. To be someone who is happy or who feels things. You don’t owe anything to your past self and you do not have to stay the same. This isn’t a fix all and wouldn’t work if there was chemical imbalances etc but for me, I just decided recently that I’d be happy, again. And it fucking worked.

Since doing this, I’ve had some really delightful experiences. Even events that appeared negative at surface level, like getting stuck on broken trains or nights out being cancelled or flights being delayed have all turned into some truly lovely interactions. Eso sí que es vivir bien.

It’s a perspective change and one I’m trying actively (and I really really really am) to commit to and as the momentum builds, I’ve been feeling even better.

Life is good and I am starting to remember that I can enjoy it.

These posts below are largely how I’m tryna live now aha, enjoy…

He says, “Bill, I believe this is killing me”

As the smile ran away from his face

“Well I’m sure that I could be a movie star

If I could get out of this place”

Piano Man – Billy Joel

To me, these lyrics are perhaps the truest reflection of how most people feel about their lives; very few people want to be where they are, and everyone reckons they can be something more; a movie star, a singer, a celebrity, whatever. But they’re trapped – “if I could get out of this place”.

Quite sad really.

Perhaps there’s an antidote though. A way of converting the “if I could” conditional into a present tense “I can” or even “I am getting out of this place”. I don’t have a suggestion right now but if I keep firing words onto the screen perhaps one will appear so let’s see.

I guess I’d start by trying to figure out what’s keeping you in the place; is it an anchor like I spoke about in this post or is there some kind of financial instability or are you not leaving because you don’t actually want to go and you’re just caught in a kinda groundhog day loop where you say you want to leave but never do – which is what everyone in small towns tends to say.

Assuming it’s an anchor, it might be a serious burden but you can still cut the rope, so generally this one is more an emotional issue and you’re just refusing to deal with the situation out of complacency but memento mori! Cut the fucking rope and go be who you want to be.

Say it’s financial instability, this one can be a real cunt but handle your necessary debts first, then move to a low cost of living place and graft like a dog. If you really are “sure you could be a movie star” then prove it. Work for it. If you aren’t willing to put the effort in you won’t get the result. – If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.

And finally if you’re not leaving because you actually kinda want to stay then stop fucking saying you want to leave. Is it for the aesthetic? To appear… What? Ambitious? Wanting to do things is not a personality trait. Act.

There you go, kind of an antidote…

“The world’s your oyster”

I’m sure you’re familiar with the meaning. You can do anything, go anywhere, be anyone, do whatever you want. Sounds ideal, right…

But a curious problem arises when you’re actually in a situation that allows you to do anything; you don’t know what to do. And how do you figure out what to do?

Oftentimes, people, myself included, look for a way out of answering because it’s a serious bitch of a question – you can do anything, what do you want to do? So we tend to find things to anchor ourselves with to escape the abyss that a situation with infinite options offers. An anchor might be a long term lease on an apartment or getting an expensive car or something even more long term like a pet. These things minimise the amount of options you have so the question changes from “you can do anything, what do you want to do?” to “you can do a set amount of things, pick your options” and multiple choice questions are always easier to answer.

But here’s the thing, if you’re trying to anchor yourself down, you’re still avoiding the critically important question. If you don’t define what you want to do, you’ll end up in a “life of quiet desperation” as Thoreau would put it; always wanting something that you don’t have, yet never certain what.

I’m still yet to answer the question myself and frankly most steps I’ve been taking to figure out what I want, seem to be missteps. Though part of me recognises that you need to take missteps to figure out where the correct step would be. This is the kind of annoying side of life; you have to do things that you’ll dislike to work out the things you do like, otherwise you’re condemned to death by comfort.

Anyway

Infinite options = a real bitch

I think it’s time to revisit this blogging thing.

I had a kind of nerdy idea to use this as a public diary and considering how effective I’ve been at journalling, it could end up being quite interesting. Though I am expecting it to become fairly mid until I start travelling again…

The fool is always getting ready to live. — Seneca