I’ve almost always been in a relationship. Quite a habit for me to maintain, but roughly since being 16, I’ve only had 3 extended single periods, and even then, these periods usually contain mini engagements that mimic one.
The ending of each relationship and situationship brought me what my logical-ish brain craves: a shit tonne of data that I could then use (or try to use) to develop a profile of roughly who I’m looking for to make future filtering more accurate. For example, I was once adamant about a specific type of girl being optimal for me based on one of these engagements, and I wrote a profile of exactly what my future partner would be like. When I later met a girl who matched word for word the characteristics I’d written down, I was firstly shocked that I’d manifested someone into existence, and secondly I was absolutely infatuated, until I realised that we were so dramatically incompatible that I had to question if I even knew who I was and what the hell I actually wanted. A slow walk back to the drawing board ensued.
I since realised, annoyingly, that I can’t compare someone against a list of characteristics I one-day-decided to see if I should pursue them. Instead, I ought to do the following: observe them more openly (not my best skill), to see how I feel about them, if I find them interesting and attractive, and then notice how aligned we are in values in real life, not the bullshit “what are your values?” thought exercises. And if, only IF, all lights are green, can I start to consider any pursuit.
I’m pretty sure the above is the right way for me moving forward, BUT I’ve been thinking about how people I know view relationships to see if there’s any lessons to be learned:
One friend of mine was certain she’d never been in love despite multiple year-long relationships. Those seem to be entered primarily based on physical attraction and dating people because they match certain characteristics, which may be the flaw I had. Notably, her only exception to the “not being in love” thing came with a partner who was dramatically different to the previous ones and was not aligned with the usual list of attributes. Another point against filtering by characteristics.
A different friend blows with the wind and, gratefully on his part, the wind generally takes him towards fleeting but delightfully intense situationships. As I understand it, these connections are based far more on excitement than anything else. These ones seem delightful, but I’ve had a few and personally consider them to require too much of my energy. I guess that’s what keeps them short term, as I can only offer my attention intensely for a little while until I want to get back to focusing on me, but it works for him, ish.
One more sticks to a tried and tested method of “friends first, relationship second” which, in all honesty, may be optimal. If you’ve ever watched happily married people being asked why the relationship worked, they’ll generally say that it’s because they’re friends. I would say I’ve had this, but I think it’d be more accurate to say I’ve had it backwards at least twice: relationship first and friends second.
I do love the idea of it, not least because it literally means I can spend my time doing exactly what I want and being me, and making a friend during that process. Then, if the interactions with that friend spiral into a relationship, it wasn’t through feigning interest in someone hot or through filtering all of Bangkok by bullshit lists of attributes, no, it was through me being me totally and completely, and us having a mutual interest in each other as people.
It’s fun to understand how other people view relationships. Gives me some ideas of how I ought to be doing it. And as far as I can see, the best bet is to be open and to be me – no over-filtering from the offset, no lists, and no relationships without valuing the other person as a friend. A pretty boring answer, but as it usually is with these things, it’s probably for the best.
Anyway, as usual, I’m still figuring myself out and discovering what I want and what I like, the perpetual plight of being human, and so, with zero pressure on myself, I’m gonna keep doing me, and if one day I bump into the right girl… I’ll compare her with an arbitrary list! Kidding(?) 🙂
Quotes I’m vibing with rn:
The journey is the destination – Matthew McConaughey (paraphrasing Emerson)
I’ve been dating for 20 years, that’s a lot of pretending to be fascinated – Jerry Seinfeld
Like any journey, if you stay the course long enough the road might just show you what you need. All you gotta do is keep your eyes on the road and your foot on the fucking gas – Kenny Powers
Favourite song for now:
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Sumb Luck 