Opening up to people is hard.
Being honest with your emotions is hard.
Telling someone how you feel feels like one of the hardest things you can do, when in reality it’s a small discomfort and your life would probably be greatly improved if you were willing to overcome this hurdle and be more honest with people about your emotions. Would you really want to live life knowing you were afraid of being honest to yourself?
You need honesty and openness to develop real connection with people.
They have to see you for who you are and you have to see them for who they are. Otherwise it’s just acting.
And yet so many people are so deeply, deeply uncomfortable and afraid of this.
The fear stems from vulnerability; to be intimate and real with someone you need to expose your soft belly and hope they don’t tear into it. But sometimes, they do. And the real difficulty is that if you are vulnerable with someone — if you reveal yourself to them — and then they decide you’re not right for them, there’s an immense feeling of rejection because they’ve seen who you are and don’t want you because of it.
Rationally, you could say that people disliking who you are isn’t a bad thing — it means that those people are not for you, and any further interaction wouldn’t be beneficial in the long run. It allows you to save a little time — now you can move on and keep up the search for someone where interest is mutual.
But still, occasionally you like a person for who they are, and you spend time opening up and being vulnerable and intimate — and they decide that who you are is not right for them.
I guess this is why so many people have a hard time opening up and being expressive with how they feel — they might be rejected for being themselves. Then they think that being vulnerable in any way is risky, and so they adopt a hard shell. And while the hard shell protects you from threats, the real risk is that it stops you from being seen at all.
There’s this clip of Jim Rohn where he says:
“If you think trying is risky, wait until they hand you the bill for not trying.”
Being vulnerable is risky, but it’s worth the risk — because what’s the alternative?
An isolated life where you were never courageous enough to show yourself to someone else? A life where you were never really honest with how you feel about someone? What a tragedy!
Though there are times when being guarded can be helpful; you can often feel it in yourself when you know that you ought to be a little coy and not reveal your cards. But this useful instinct can go into overdrive, especially if ignoring it in the past has led to a negative situation. The ability to discern when to be vulnerable and when not to becomes ever more difficult.
You can end up viewing every situation from a guarded perspective, under the impression that you can’t be open or honest with how you feel at all — just in case it backfires and you get rejected for being you.
Sometimes when this fear takes hold, people feel the risk isn’t worth it at all, and that they can instead find contentment in solitude, which they assume puts them beyond the need to be open with other people.
This individualistic attitude, despite its affirmation that it isn’t lonely, is lonely.
Really fucking lonely.
You can be content alone for a short period, sure. But not for your whole life.
I was watching a movie about Chris McCandless recently (Into The Wild), where a young guy decides he wants to live alone in the wilderness. He takes his trip up to Alaska woefully underprepared and somehow manages to stick it out for a while… But in his solitary journey, he eventually starts to realise something — life is better when shared or, in his words, scrawled across his school bus tomb (spoiler, sorry):
“Happiness is only real when shared.”
And if you really want to be happy, if you really want to fully experience this life and connect with people, then you need to be willing to open up and be vulnerable. You need to take the risk.
And the truth, that I’m gradually learning, is this:
It’s worth it.
Quotes I’m vibing with rn:
“What are the birds saying now?” I asked. “That it’s a nice day.” – The Tao of Pooh
Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as though you chose it, then act – Marcus Aurelius
Stop playing it cool, just be passionate and intense and whoever sticks around is meant for you – Random Tweet
Favourite song for now:
Sumb Luck 