Infatuation
an intense yet fleeting feeling of love or passion for someone or something
Now that I’m in Bangkok again I’m reminded of some thoughts I had here last year. One of which was this thing where I realised that I’d be infatuated with someone for maybe 24 hrs and then they’d do one thing, some innocuous nothing-y thing that demonstrated our differences perhaps and the whole illusion would be shattered and I’d realise “ah yes, I’m not in love with you”.
I can recall most of these experiences pretty well though I am reluctant to name names so if you happen to spot yourself in this rambling of mine, then you should know that for a moment, however brief, I was totally and utterly into you. Not that I am now of course. Probably.
Infatuation is a funny thing.
It’s a swirl of emotions, so intense that it feels like it’s almost real and that it’ll go on forever and ever and ever but then just at that peak of it all, at the moment where you’re ready to confess to the world that you’ve hit upon some unexpected love-at-first-sight-rom-com-shit, right then, something happens and the bubble bursts.
This kinda sounds like I’m talking about one night stands but I’m not, primal attraction to someone is one thing; this is something else. I’m talking about these girls I’ve met through various random encounters and ended up deep in conversation with – I’ve become an audience for their story and as I listen, dopamine starts to pollute my brain and I become enthralled. I reciprocate with my story and they listen intently too. More dopamine hits. This is not a “Hey, how are you?” conversation. No. This is some real marrow, something substantial to gnaw on. The conversation gets deeper, emotional even. The dopamine takes over. I look at them adoringly and think “Holy shit this is it”.
But then, right at that moment, they say something that catches me off guard. They say something that highlights who they really are and all of a sudden our incompatibility is made clear. We aren’t in love, we don’t know each other, hell we probably wouldn’t even make good friends. The dopamine recedes. I think more intently about if I was even interested in what they were actually saying earlier as I sip whatever herbal tea I’ve bought or whatever beer I can find and say to myself “Huh, guess not”. The dopamine abandons me for another evening.
One of these times was after a particularly long night out that culminated in a drunken breakfast in a desperately posh hotel. I had been dancing with her all night with barely a word spoken and decided to leave to catch a relatively decent nights sleep. As if by chance as I was leaving the bar, she appeared and took me to a food truck. We ate and laughed and she completely took the piss out of every word I said. I loved it.
An hour or so of this and we were deep deep deep in conversation and then the night was over. We watched the city wake up while we spoke more and more. The conversation got deeper and the hours rolled by. It was early and I wanted breakfast, we found a fancy hotel and strolled in, defying the supposedly strict dress code. We spoke more. I was into her. The posh hotel, the half laying down style seating we were on – it was dangerously romantic. We spoke even more, and sipped away at our drinks almost fawning at each other. For at least that morning, I was besotted. But then she said something, something innocuous, I can’t even exactly recall what it was, but right then and there the illusion just shattered and I realised oh, she’s lovely but… This isn’t love.
Anyway…
While I recognise that these feelings stem from infatuation above all else, I enjoy the experiences when they happen. It’s fucking delightful that for even a tiny amount of time I get to slip into a little fantasy world where this other person is everything to me. It feels so real and emotional. Like one of those Disney shorts that outclasses the movie you came to see. In your dopamine stupefied foolishness you decided to lean into your emotions and you got to feel something almost real. How lovely.
Perhaps there’s no true purpose to these experiences and they just add a little flavour to life or perhaps you need to go through them time and again, because one of these days when you’re knee deep in conversation with someone, listening intently, you’ll realise that you’re not feeling some short lived infatuation, and it’s something a little more. I do hope that’s the case.
Quotes I’m vibing with rn:
Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom – Søren Kierkegaard
If you want to outwit the devil, it’s terribly important you don’t give him advance notice – Alan Watts
Our ideal wise man feels his troubles, but overcomes them – Seneca
Favourite song for now:
Sumb Luck 