Masks

I’ve always found it difficult to maintain an authentic self. To one person I might seem interesting and charming, to a person in my past a little bit of a hedonist, to another I’m enterprising and business-y, to some I’m self centred and dry, to others caring(ish) and thoughtful (occasionally). I think if you haven’t yet decided on who you are and the position is still malleable, you’ll find yourself obscuring your shape to fit into different scenarios without really maintaining an authentic self, you’re just masquerading as another person.

Obviously there is some benefit to being able to wear masks here and there and that chameleon like nature does permit you to move through circles that an “authentic you” may not be as comfortable traversing. You’ll wear clothes corresponding to the people and place; change your conversation to give out the vibe you’re looking to impart; you might change your drink order or eat something outside your base diet; you’ll almost certainly change how you talk and how you carry yourself – you have to give out the right impression, of course.

It’s a defence mechanism, you wear the mask so that nothing can actually harm your real self, if someone insults this character you’ve created, it does far far less damage than if you were being authentic and vulnerable. When you’re being authentic, you’re exposed and you feel more vulnerable so, as a precaution, it’s easier for you to keep the mask on – nothing gets through the mask. But, while the defence is useful, there is a really desperately sad aspect to it, which is, that by not being authentic and vulnerable and not taking the risk to show your real self to someone, you won’t feel anything as deeply, you won’t know whether or not you really like someone, and your ability to feel any genuine joy will atrophy – yes you block out the attacks, but you also stop anything positive from getting through to you. But fuck me, taking masks off is scary.

The fear isn’t just that by showing authenticity, you feel you’re at risk, there’s also deep internal fear that frequent wearing of masks can cause you to lose a little of yourself and when you remove the mask, you’re not certain what will be left.

In the same vein, sometimes method actors take their character preparation to the extreme and through devotion or something more sinister, find themselves lost in their roles, not entirely certain where the masks begins and where their face ends.

It’s not an easy thing to figure out when you’re being inauthentic and I’m not sure I have a cure-all solution for that but I can say that if you’re suddenly apathetic about everything in your life, if you’re lacking feeling, and drifting into nihilism, if your old friends are highlighting negative changes in you, then dude, drop the fucking act and take off the mask. There are things out there that you like, there are places you’ve been that you have enjoyed, there are people that you love – it’s time to go back to who you are and revisit them!

Recently, I’ve been trying to spot when I’m being inauthentic and while I am grateful that through wearing various masks I have been able to experiment with different personalities and styles, I find that the cold nature of inauthenticity does not align with the real me. I guess now I’m just in a place where I actually want to feel things, and I’ll take the good with the bad – whatever it takes to feel the good.